Due

It seems fitting this morning that the American flag bows its head at the loss of the Prophet.

Trying

A good friend told me that she hoped I would one day meet someone that I would just love without ever having to try. I hope not. Adam never got to hold Eve in his arms, look into her eyes, and say with a heart full of tenderness, courage, and exhaustion, "I still love you," while they were yet innocent. I believe they didn't learn to love until love was necessary. Until they saw each other's imperfections, felt a shrinking in their hearts, and then stretched out their souls and decided to love anyway. I am looking for a human being. A beautiful yet imperfect girl that will forgive me when I am small, and will let me forgive her, too. We all dance within the Garden walls while in love, but it is only when we are thrust out into the lone and dreary world that we learn to carry each other. I believe in a perfect marriage. Two imperfect people trying their hearts out over and over and over and over and over...

Sunday Message 2 - Love

Every day for the past little while I have been praying to know how to love. Because although I've been married and have an angel daughter, I still don't think I have it down. And that is a hard and embarrassing thing to admit. The pride in my gut shouts, "Don't try to tell me what love is! I of all people know, even if by circumstance alone!" But perhaps circumstance is the harvest of the weak seeds I've sown. Maybe I am where I am because I thought I knew what love is, but never took the time to really find out.

I couldn't get a scripture out of my mind when I woke up this morning. Paul says that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance. So love isn't a standalone matter. It is a fruit, or a gift, of having the Spirit. This much I can say I have learned through experience. I have never felt so loving, as well as in love, as I have when virtue garnishes my thoughts and the Spirit swells in my heart. It is likely that you cannot love another human being any more than you love the Lord. And vice versa. But to practice that everyday is the point of life. Simply learning that the principle exists (like I have done) is barely a beginning.

In our relationships in this life, even to love completely is not enough. As well as learning to love, I need to learn to be loving. I believe I love Ellie with all of my heart. I only want what is best for her at every moment. But I know (and this thought will torture me at any given moment of the day) that she does not always feel loved by me. I am a bumbling fool. I show impatience when what I mean to do is teach. I show her tears when what I want to show is need. I raise my voice instead of my level of charity. And for her, knowing who she is, and knowing her situation, the only lesson really worth teaching is that she is loved. In every detail. And at every moment. And forever.

I have lost too much already because I am so slow to turn the key. I lost a marriage because I loved weakly. If I lost my child today, I'm afraid she wouldn't know how much I love her. And I just lost the most beautiful person in the world because I didn't know how to cherish. Not only that, but upon love hangs the first and great commandment. And the second, too. So I pray for it every day now. If love is a gift, then I can pray for it. And if it's a skill as well then I can practice at it. And one day I will love a wife like she hopes to be loved and I will love my children like they deserve. And if I should still lose them, it will hurt not because I didn't love enough, but because I did.

Sunday Message

Inspired by Elder Tingey's fireside last week, I've been thinking about what I know to be absolutely true. First of all, I know that God lives and that Jesus is the Christ. No doubt about it. I also know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true. But aside from the very basics, I've thought of 5 things that are rock solid true in my life:

1) Happiness is completely independent of money
2) Love is a skill, as well as a blessing
3) The Lord fulfills ALL of his promises
4) Honesty is worthless without truth
5) The greatest answer to any prayer is always "Be still, and know that I am God."

New Feature for the New Year

This blogger has been anxiously awaiting the rollout of a new feature that I think you're really going to enjoy... Interactive Polls! I know it's what you've been waiting for. Please think carefully before answering because I fully intend to live my life based on the results of said polls.

I Am...

I Am

I am wet knees angry shivers bathtime, I am
four bites ninety minute supper, I am
out of milk back turned bedtime, I am
guilt stricken off days reveler, I am
bruised ribs blanketless bed sharer, I am
awkward princess high pitched play date, I am
late night lone time sanctifier, I am
trembling hands teary eyed hairdresser, I am
tired father. I am
tired, Father.

You Are...

You Are

Sometimes late at night
I hear the shuffling of your paws against the carpet
As you climb into my bed
To snuggle with your pop.
You are my baby bear cub.

When you’re in the bath
And you show me how you can hold your breath
And kick your legs
And wash your arms,
You are my singing mermaid savior.

When our eyes get tired
And we can only read two books tonight, or maybe three
You rock me to sleep
With your fading laughs.
You are my front porch swing.

And when you aren’t here
And wolves and ghosts howl through my house
I close my eyes
And count your lights.
You are my starry night sky.

The Favorites / Movies

My 10 Favorite Movies (in no particular order):

1) The Shawshank Redemption

2) Whale Rider

3) Groundhog Day

4) Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

5) Annie Hall

6) The Wizard of Oz

7) The Sound of Music

8) Citizen Kane

9) To Kill a Mockingbird

10) The Little Mermaid


Honorable Mentions:

Mannequin, The Great Escape, Big, The Odd Couple, My Fair Lady, Beauty and the Beast, It's a Wonderful Life, The Last Emperor, Life is Beautiful, Little Shop of Horrors, LA Story, Disney's Robin Hood, The Ten Commandments, Ghostbusters


And 3 movies I wanted to kill myself in:

Pearl Harbor, Titanic, Eight Crazy Nights

The Favorites / Songs

My 5 favorite songs of all time (in no particular order):

1) Crazy Love - Van Morrison
2) Kiss - Prince
3) Hey Jude - The Beatles
4) Suite No.1 Prelude - JS Bach
5) Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper


5 more favorites you may not have heard of:

1) New Hampshire - Matt Pond PA
2) My Lady's House - Iron and Wine
3) The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades... - Sufjan Stevens
4) Blood Bleeds - The Helio Sequence
5) Quelqu'un m'a dit - Carla Bruni


And 5 Guilty Pleasures:

1) Where Does the Good Go? - Teagan and Sara
2) Perfect Gentleman - Wyclef Jean
3) Icky Thump - The White Stripes
4) Angel - Sarah McLachlan (that one is really embarrassing)
5) Crazy - Seal

For This First Sunday of the Month

Elder Ballard has asked us all to defend the Church in all mediums that are available to us. So here's mine. I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe that he speaks to Gordon B. Hinckley. I believe that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is Christ's church. Like all people, I begin to justify my actions when I sin, and consequently I start to wonder about the wisdom of all the rules that we are asked to keep. But each time that I look to Christ for forgiveness and make even the smallest effort to get back on track, I feel infinitely better about every aspect of life. Abraham Lincoln said, "When I do good, I feel good...That's my religion." I don't know if I can say it any better than that. No matter how small the tenet, how minute the rule, how seemingly insignificant the teaching of the Church, I ALWAYS feel better when I keep it. Always. And that is how I know these things are true. I know that the Gospel we teach in this church will lead anyone and everyone to heaven if followed. And I know that Jesus Christ is the reason.

2007

This was the best year of my life. Maybe I had more carefree ones when I was 5 or so, but this was the happiest one that I can remember. I was in love like a Van Morrison song and that kind of thing doesn't happen every year, or sometimes ever depending on who you are. I danced around inside that love like a kid playing in the rain. It was great, and it was swallowing, and it was bigger than I dared hope for. And even though the boat got washed ashore in the end, I am grateful to have been in the ocean. And I am grateful that my shipmate rowed with me from beginning to end.

For nine months, my daughter had a best friend who wasn't boring like her dad or selfish like her equally aged cousins. She loved someone outside of her family, and that is the greatest thing she could have learned this year. She is still saving a third of her Christmas candy for that friend and that floors me. I love Ellie exponentially more than I did a year ago. Than I did a day ago.

This year I received the most selfless kindnesses from a person I thought could only ever hurt me. And I learned to forgive. Because she made it easy. I am not in love with her, but I know that God is. And so is her daughter.

I found my friends again. My friends that I had hid from in a comfortable cave. I found them on rocks and on skis and in Sin City and in Mexico and online. And I found them calling me when I needed someone to call me. They are holy white elephants in the temple of my need. They are family like nobody's business.

I am cautiously grateful to start a new year with a broken heart. There is fathering that needs improving and a relationship with THE Dude that can only get stronger. And more piercing. And I am eagerly awaiting another round with Van Morrison.