Every day for the past little while I have been praying to know how to love. Because although I've been married and have an angel daughter, I still don't think I have it down. And that is a hard and embarrassing thing to admit. The pride in my gut shouts, "Don't try to tell me what love is! I of all people know, even if by circumstance alone!" But perhaps circumstance is the harvest of the weak seeds I've sown. Maybe I am where I am because I thought I knew what love is, but never took the time to really find out.
I couldn't get a scripture out of my mind when I woke up this morning. Paul says that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance. So love isn't a standalone matter. It is a fruit, or a gift, of having the Spirit. This much I can say I have learned through experience. I have never felt so loving, as well as in love, as I have when virtue garnishes my thoughts and the Spirit swells in my heart. It is likely that you cannot love another human being any more than you love the Lord. And vice versa. But to practice that everyday is the point of life. Simply learning that the principle exists (like I have done) is barely a beginning.
In our relationships in this life, even to love completely is not enough. As well as learning to love, I need to learn to be loving. I believe I love Ellie with all of my heart. I only want what is best for her at every moment. But I know (and this thought will torture me at any given moment of the day) that she does not always feel loved by me. I am a bumbling fool. I show impatience when what I mean to do is teach. I show her tears when what I want to show is need. I raise my voice instead of my level of charity. And for her, knowing who she is, and knowing her situation, the only lesson really worth teaching is that she is loved. In every detail. And at every moment. And forever.
I have lost too much already because I am so slow to turn the key. I lost a marriage because I loved weakly. If I lost my child today, I'm afraid she wouldn't know how much I love her. And I just lost the most beautiful person in the world because I didn't know how to cherish. Not only that, but upon love hangs the first and great commandment. And the second, too. So I pray for it every day now. If love is a gift, then I can pray for it. And if it's a skill as well then I can practice at it. And one day I will love a wife like she hopes to be loved and I will love my children like they deserve. And if I should still lose them, it will hurt not because I didn't love enough, but because I did.
